how i cope with spiraling when my mental health is bad
TRIGGER WARNING ** this post talks about mental health struggles, including depression and thoughts of self-harm. please read at your own discretion and click off if these topics can potentially trigger you.
when you put yourself out there on the internet, whether it be through short form content, on youtube, or just social media in general, you tend to paint a certain picture for those who follow. some people might see you as a very positive, upbeat person. or maybe your aesthetic is to be gloomy and moody. whatever your vibe is, people naturally associate you with that vibe. that feeling. that aesthetic. it’s something i’ve always hated about social media. you really only see a highlight of who a person is. there’s not a lot of nuance. people see what you put out there.
i’ve always advocated for mental health across my channels. as someone who actively struggles with mental health and have been for majority of my life, i felt like it would be disingenuous to not talk about it. it’s a big part of my life that i’ve learned to cope with by living with it, instead of always fighting with it. i truly believe i would not be able to function in this world if i had to constantly put up a fight with my brain. or constantly take medication that has side effects or makes me feel worse in other ways. at some point, i thought i’d give up. just let the illness take over me. let it end me. but i realized that i didn’t need to give up or put up a fight. i needed to cope. and through my journals, my planners, my hobbies in general, and my love for design, i have learned to cope. it’s not perfect. but it’s a cope nonetheless.
i was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder (aka gad) in 2014.
i feel like sometimes i can’t catch a break. if it’s not my mental health, it’s my physical health. if it’s not my physical health, it’s some other real world issue. sometimes it’s both mental and physical. can’t find a job. can’t figure out my healthcare stuff because i’m american but live in canada. can’t afford expensive medication. sciatica pain every morning. i’m getting hot flashes in my 30s so i’m probably dealing with perimenopause. cognitive decline issues. i can’t remember words anymore. the list goes on and on and on. it’s exhausting. and what exhausts me more than anything, is having to explain my struggles to anyone who doesn’t struggle.
“your mental health is bad? go for a walk.”
“you feel bad physically? eat healthier.”
“can’t find a job? get a job.” (???)
i don’t blame people for giving these generic answers because it must be difficult to know what it feels like to be so miserable when you’re not miserable yourself.
when you’re able-bodied and struggle with anxiety or depression daily, it looks more like a front to people because you’re not physically recoiling, eyes rolled back, and spewing phrases in latin. like we’re supposed to be fucking linda blair in the exorcist or some shit. and yet, a lot of people think that ‘real’ mental illness looks like that. it looks unhinged, truly crazy, like something that warrants you to be in the mental hospital. if you seem fine, you’ll always be dismissed of anything you struggle with. i have, truly, honestly, considered just acting absolutely unhinged sometimes just to physically illustrate that i’m unwell. but that would be a bit dramatic. dramatic but at least valid on how i’m feeling internally. being misunderstood and not seen feels like a personality trait at this point.
i think about chadwick boseman a lot. like he just randomly pops up into my head every once in a while, as if he’s an actual friend of mine or something. but what stuck out to me about chadwick is how invisible he made his cancer seem. how resilient he was towards his illness. months leading up to his death, people online were making fun of him for being too skinny. for looking frail. he’d visit children’s hospitals, visiting kids with cancer. it all seemed like normal pr. actors normally do some form of philanthropy and charitable work. it’s not like chadwick doing these good deeds seemed special. but little did we know that he was battling with cancer too. he was hurting and struggling and mentally battling with his illness while on set. and nobody knew. he made no excuses. he showed up. he did his work. without complaining. without talking about his struggles. because he didn’t want people to worry. he didn’t want his cancer to overshadow who he was as a person and as an actor.
chadwick is the type of person i could only wish to be. but i’m not. i air out my laundry. i put my mental struggles out there. i complain. i’m weaaaaaak. and i know it pushes people away. and i know a lot of times, i get into my own head because i’m constantly being negative to myself.
to hide your illness like that when you’re in the public eye, in a space where most celebrities would claw at the opportunity to gain sympathy from their fans, to be so strong mentally and overcome the physical struggles, that is real power. it’s not that i’m saying people shouldn’t talk about their struggles. i’m not saying i shouldn’t talk about my struggles. but chadwick didn’t want his cancer to get in the way of his passion. his dream of being an actor. he was young when he died. only 43. but he landed one of the biggest roles in hollywood, for one of the biggest studios. he made it. and it wasn’t through sympathy. it was through sheer talent and determination.
sometimes i just desperately want to be someone like chad. someone who just keeps their mouth shut and is a bit more private with their life. and i am private, but i’m also very open. and i share a lot of my struggles online. i think it puts me in a vulnerable place. because when you put your struggles online, people will sometimes use that information against you. to say that you’re unfit for a job. to say you’re looking for sympathy or attention. or my favorite, to tell you that mentally struggling is your ‘whole personality’. but despite knowing all the risks, i will not shut up about it. because i’m not afraid. not anymore. not like before. can’t you understand me?
source: nbcnews
source: “i think you should leave”
i don’t know if you noticed, but i pivoted my branding for lofighosts to incorporate a lot of spirals. i just felt like it was symbolic. fitting. an analogy for being mentally stuck in an infinite loop. and when it comes to mentally spiraling, i get into a really bad place. i can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. i spiral out of control.
during these times, i often think that i just really don’t want to deal with any of it anymore. it’s exhausting. struggling with invisible illnesses. struggling to get people to understand me. constantly having to apologize and explain myself so other people don’t get offended for no reason. trying to figure out how to make a living, pay my bills, how to do any of this. it all becomes too much. giving up is the easy way out. living is so fucking hard for some reason.
spirals.
for me, the key to controlling the spiraling, to cope with the mental and physical ailments, to snap out of the depression and come back to myself, is…… to channel chadwick boseman. no seriously. i think, wwcbd (what would chadwick boseman do?).
sometimes the biggest way to cope with mental health, is by accepting that you’re unwell. is to accept that you struggle with it and it is what it is. it’s a part of you. you have to make peace with it. become homies with it. really. if you keep trying to fight yourself, you’ll hate yourself. you’ll hate this world. you’ll hate everyone. and you don’t want to be that way. trust me. i’ve been there. so now i just accept my struggles as a part of who i am. it doesn’t define me. it isn’t my whole personality. but it is a part of me that i have to live with.
acceptance.
when i start to spiral, i just let myself spiral. i don’t try to stop it. i just…. let it run its course. if it gets really bad, like to the point where i want to literally jump off my balcony, i tell my partner. i call 911. i do whatever i can to intervene the strong bad feelings. but if it’s not that extreme, if it’s just another case of regular depression, anxiety, panic attacks, etc. then i just let it run its course. cry about it. scream about it. feel bad about it. and usually after about 20 minutes, the fog lifts. sometimes it doesn’t. sometimes it lasts days. but for the most part, the fog will eventually go away. i’ll feel like myself again. it’s become a normalized part of my life. a routine.
also very important to note. this is not health advice. i am not a professional and you should take all of this with a grain of salt because all of us are different.
as scary as it is, sometimes accepting that the panic and the anxiety and the depression is just a part of your core being, can feel liberating. like no, you’re not a freak. you’re not broken. you’re not less than. you just struggle with something. like some people truly struggle to use chopsticks. no matter how hard they try. would you call them a freak? maybe. but hey, i get it, chopsticks are hard. it’s fine! it’s fine to have bouts of depression or get panic attacks. if it gets bad, really really bad, then you have to get professional help. that’s a non-negotiable. but if it’s something you choose to manage yourself, then it’s okay to accept that it’s a part of you. and just know, you’re going to be okay.
when i feel myself spiral, i feel debilitated. like i literally cannot move. but then after it’s over, i immediately try to engage in the things i love. the things that bring me joy. right now, it’s my art and mail club stuff. making stationery and stickers. writing in my journals. decorating my planners. make it a habit to engage in the things you enjoy after a mental breakdown episode, because you need that boost of serotonin. i’m not saying that material possessions should make you happy but like…. they make me happy so be it! the point is, actively try to balance the bad days, the bad moments, with something that you love. because it will make you feel balanced. it will ground you.
i hope this finds you if you’re currently struggling and just need a little pep talk. it’s going to be okay.
xoxo, lo